To The Moms Who "Step" In

I remember so vividly the first time my ex-husband, Ryan’s, new girlfriend, Victoria came to pick up our son, Cole, on our “switch day.”

I was given the heads up she’d be the one picking him up. I made sure to have all of Cole’s things packed and ready by the door to limit what I assumed would be an awkward interaction as much as possible.

She knocked on the door. My stomach was in knots. I opened it. I remember thinking how young and beautiful she was. A twinge of irrational jealousy.

We exchanged pleasantries and I passed Cole’s backpack to her. I gave Cole the biggest hug and kiss I could without being too obvious. I watched them walk away and get into her car. I smiled, blew him a kiss, and waved goodbye as they drove away.

I stepped back into my house, closed the door, and physically fell to my knees. It felt like my heart dropped straight to my feet, and the weight of it pulled me down with it.

I completely fell apart. I cried until it felt like I had no tears left.

This is a hard experience to explain unless you’ve lived it. I felt everything all at once. I didn’t know her. I didn’t know if I could trust her. And yet I was handing over the most important person in my life.

My relationship with my son felt threatened. I felt protective of him. I felt protective of us. I don’t think I was fully prepared for how hard it would be to share my son with another woman, even though I knew the day would eventually come. My rational brain understood that. But it still hurt like a bitch.

Luckily, I had the wherewithal to be kind. To not let my emotions take over and show on my face how I felt in my heart. I was genuinely happy for Ryan. I only ever wanted the best for Cole, and we had made a promise to one another to always put Cole's best interests first. Ryan trusted her with the most important thing in his life, too. I wanted Cole to know that if Dad trusted Victoria, then I trusted her too. We're on the same team.

I know that’s not always easy to put into practice depending on the situation. But I can (very) proudly say, Ryan and I crush this.

Think about all of the evil stepmothers we've been surrounded with in stories and movies. Cinderella's evil stepmother. Clarice Kensington from It Takes Two or Meredith Blake from the Parent Trap. Stepmoms get a bad rep. And sure, those women deserve the reputation they have but in my experience, real-life stepmoms are nothing like them. Not even close.

That day I broke down after watching my son leave for the first time with another woman was 12 years ago. And that woman is no longer just “Ryan’s girlfriend,” now wife, or “Cole’s stepmom.” She’s family. In fact, she’s one of the most important family members I have.

Victoria has been there for Cole the past 12 years. She hasn't skipped a beat. I've watched her love him unconditionally and consistently show up for him again and again and again without hesitation. Without expecting anything in return.

I never truly understood the complexities of being a stepmom or what Victoria would have gone through these past 12 years until I became one myself. Five years ago I fell in love with a man with three young children who had lost their mother. Buckle up. Not apple to apples on exactly Victoria's step mom experience but certainly the same emotions at play.

Let's call a spade a spade here. Loving and raising a child that is not biologically yours is really, really hard. I'm not going to sugar coat it. You carry a lot of responsibility with very little recognition. It’s an endless and, more times than not, thankless job.

There’s an undeniable biological wiring with your own child that creates a kind of patience and connection that’s hard to explain. With a stepchild, it’s different. It’s not automatic. It has to be built slowly over time.

There are times when words like:

“I miss my Mom.”
“I wish my Mom was here.”
“You’re not my real mom.”

…get said.

Really piercing words. The kind I’m willing to bet Victoria has heard too.

And you just have to take that on the chin. You just have to. I have to work hard not to take those words personally. Because the truth is I wish their mom was still here for them too.

I have to put in the reps. I have to be consistent. I have to build trust and love just like Victoria has built with Cole. I'm continuing to build it every single day with my 3 step kiddos. And I often think, how friggin' lucky am I to have Victoria as an example to learn from?

In the early days, I would think that having another woman in Cole's life might take something away from me. But it doesn't work like that. Love is not a pie. It doesn't get divided. It multiplies.

When I look at our lives now, Cole is usually the one telling us to stop talking because we’re taking too long chatting on “switch days.” We spend holidays together. Birthdays. We didn’t just go to each other’s weddings… we gave speeches at each other's weddings.

It’s not perfect. It’s not always easy. But it’s rooted in respect, trust, and a shared love for the same kid. We always put Cole first. And somewhere along the way, we also built a genuine friendship.

That first day at the door meeting Victoria, I wish I could have seen a glimpse into the future and been comforted knowing just how beautifully it would all turn out.

To all the bonus moms out there…
This role is no joke.
It’s hard, it’s emotional, and it asks a lot of you.
If no one’s said it lately, thank you for the love you give so freely.

And to Victoria….
You could run a bonus mom clinic. Thank you for all you do. Cole is so lucky to have you in his life. And genuinely, so am I.