Shame Thrives in the Dark. Let the Light In.
We do not let our kids bring food into their bedrooms for a bunch of reasons. We love having meals together as a family and we try to make healthy choices a priority. But if I’m being honest, the biggest reason is because kids are gross. They are adorable and sweet and all of that, but when it comes to food and the way they eat, well, they're just gross.
One of my personal nightmares is walking into one of their rooms and finding a mountain of ants going to town on a forgotten cookie. Or worse is that awful sweet-and-sour smell of something rotting under a bed or stuffed in a drawer. Any parent (or anyone who had a messy roommate) knows exactly the smell I’m talking about. Anything left hidden will fester, mold, and eventually turn into a full-blown disaster.
We’ve done a pretty good job of sticking to this rule so far. No ant farms or terrifying science experiments uncovered yet. I still stay on alert though because the risk is real.
Lately I have realized that this rule applies to me too. Not the food rule exactly but the personal stuff I have hidden away. Memories, mistakes, regrets. All the messy things that I thought I could tuck into a corner of my mind and never deal with again.
That does not work.
What I’m talking about is shame. Big shame. The kind that lingers in the background, whispering things like ‘you’re not good enough’ or ‘who do you think you are’? The kind I’ve carried for as long as I can remember.
It’s super sneaky though. You think you can shove it down and move on but it keeps showing back up (at the most inconvenient times I might add). Like a forgotten snack or dirty bowl, it just sits there and grows moldy until you cannot ignore it anymore. And by the time you finally get around to dealing with it, it’s a full-blown mess.
I wrote about some of this in my About Me, but shame has touched so many parts of my life. Childhood experiences, decisions I’ve made in relationships, things I’ve done—or not done—in my career, the way I feel about my body... and the list goes on. I’ve carried all of it. And for a long time, I didn’t realize just how much power it had over me.
Brené Brown writes, “If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame cannot survive.”
I know that to be true. I felt it firsthand when I finally opened up about some of my deepest shame I had been carrying. Things I thought I would never say out loud. The second I let the words out, I felt lighter. Not fixed or magically healed. But lighter. Because shining a light on it is the only way to start cleaning up the mess.
If you’re not ready to share your story out loud with someone you trust, that’s okay. Even self-compassion can help. Acknowledging and understanding your own pain, instead of avoiding it, can reduce shame and build resilience. This is where journaling, meditation, or simple reflection can make a huge difference. I’ve recently been trying something new called Morning Pages, which a friend recommended, and it has really helped me unpack more of my messy stuff. I have always been a wannabe ‘journaler’ and have never been big on reflection as I found it to be a waste of time. I think you have to be in the right headspace to start unpacking your shit and actually write it down. For whatever reason (maybe turning 40?) I finally am.
In one of our recent posts, we talked about Post Traumatic Growth. Research has found that growth most often happens when people have a safe space to talk things through. That could be a friend, a coach, a therapist, or a group of supportive peers. When you have that kind of space, you can turn shame into something that you can grow from instead of something that quietly controls your life.
I am not a psychologist. I am not trying to offer expert advice or a prescription. But if there’s one thing I know really well, it’s what it feels like to carry shame around. And from my own experience, the only thing that has helped me loosen its grip is to bring it out into the light. Speak it or write it. Either way, shine a light on it. That’s the only way it loses its control over you.
It’s hard and uncomfortable and it takes time. But it’s SO worth it.
If you are feeling weighed down by your own hidden mess, maybe now is a good time to start cleaning it up.
“What we do in the darkness, comes to light... and in time, the things that hurt today, will begin to fade away.”
