All. By. Myself.

I’m writing this from a restaurant in downtown Toronto.

All. By. Myself.

Greg booked me a hotel room for two nights so I could get away. He didn’t even run it by me. He insisted I get away for a few days and just went ahead and booked it. What a gem of a human. I needed it more than I realized. Although it feels like a gift to me, I can’t help but think he maybe also needed some time away from me too… hmm.

Since we’ve been back from our two week family trip to Costa Rica, I’ve been in one of my low-low moods. I’ve been irritable and super impatient with everyone around me, which, because I work and live with Greg, means he feels the brunt of it. When I’m in this headspace, I can’t even stand being around myself. I want to snap out of it, but I can’t.

I have to think the post vacation blues play a part. We were planning that trip for a year and it was everything and more than we imagined. Then we came home to Snowmageddon. Our tans faded almost immediately. My super painful Raynaud’s fingers and toes flared right back up. The kids were home for a snow day, then a PD Day, and then another snow day. Our house was loud. Our house is always loud, but when I’m in a low-low, the lack of silence bothers me so much more.

Needless to say, I haven’t been my best self and it’s been very obvious.

Before Greg and I started our lives together, I was a single mom for ten years. I lived alone except for the weeks my son was with me (half the time). When he was with his dad, it was just me. During those years, I was VERY social.

If my house was quiet, my calendar wasn’t. I filled the space. I always had plans and I rarely spent time alone. I didn’t like being alone. I liked having plans. All. The. Time.

As I’ve gotten older, somewhere along the way I started craving alone time. I need it. Being alone stopped feeling lonely and started feeling like medicine. I crave silence.

Maybe it’s because I like myself more now and I like my own company. Maybe it’s because I’ve faced some hard things, forgiven myself, and learned how to just be with me without needing distraction.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my life. I love my people. I love our chaos.

But I still need space from it. I need time to myself to recharge.

I’ve been having the best time alone in Toronto. And yes, this isn’t the best time to be away. We have so much shit on the go. But when you have four kids and you’re entrepreneurs building a business, is there ever a good time? No. The answer is no.

So while I’ve been working a lot, my mornings are quiet. I can eat when I want. Structure my day however I want. And my evenings are wide open to do whatever I want.

Insert Hallelujah song here.

Last night, I went for dinner and then got last minute tickets to see a musical. Alone. And I had the best time with myself.

Needed to take a selfie at the show!

I don’t need this time away because I’m unhappy, and not because I don’t love the people in my life. I need it because when my patience with myself and others wears thin, silence is how I reset. Being alone with myself is how I remember who I am underneath all the noise.

Since coming home from Costa Rica, I haven’t been my best self. And instead of getting frustrated with me or trying to fix it, Greg saw it. He didn’t argue. He didn’t minimize it.

This might sound high maintenance. Maybe even a little bougie. But it isn’t (and anyone who actually knows me knows I’m far from that).

What I’m saying is this: It’s important to make time for yourself. Guilt free. Take the space when you need it. Rest and recharge.

And… I hope you have someone in your life who knows you so intimately that they notice what you need, sometimes even before you do.

For me, having time alone doesn’t pull me away from my life. It gives me back to the life I love.

And when I return, I’m more patient. More grounded. More me.

Thank you, Greg. xo